Eyewitness To History... Sort Of

I (not pictured) have always DREAMED of seeing a no-hitter or perfect game in person.

I have been going to baseball games my WHOLE life.

From my early days of going to Canes games at Mark Light Stadium, to Yankees Spring Training in Fort Lauderdale, to the countless Marlins games I've been to in South Florida, I've ALWAYS, ALWAYS wanted to be there when a special game happened.
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The crazy thing about a no-hitter or a perfecto is, you REALLY never know when they're going to happen.

A few years ago, when Anibal Sanchez threw his no-hitter, I was on the road to Tampa. I would've gone to that game, but I had other plans.

So I missed it.

Then, last season, I went to see the Marlins play the Dodgers.

Lefty Clayton Kershaw had a no-hitter into the 8th.

I sat there on the 3rd base side and thought, today's the day.

It wasn't.
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Saturday night, I FINALLY had the chance to witness history.

But, just like me, I didn't get to stay the WHOLE game.

During my dinner hour, I drove from work, to watch the Marlins game.

I wanted to see SOME of Josh Johnson against Roy Halladay.

With two studs like that on the mound, it was a show worth enjoying.

Bottom 6, I was WELL AWARE that Halladay was perfect, but I also knew, I had to get back to work.

So as I walked back to my car, I was CERTAIN that Halladay was going to complete the job!

Of course he did.
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When I was a kid, I used to play video games against my brother.

When he was CERTAIN that I was going to win, he'd throw the Ninetendo remote at the power-source shutting off the game.

Then just as Tecmo Bowl shut down, he'd say "No proof."

That's how I feel about this magical moment.

Sure, I was there, but not really.

The last 6 outs are ALWAYS the most special, and I technically wasn't there.
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The one saving grace in this whole situation is the following.

On father's day in 1964, Jim Bunning threw the OTHER perfect game in Philadelphia Phillies history.

My dad was at that game against the Mets.

Saturday night, I attended (in part), the OTHER perfecto, 46 years later.

That's a cool connection (even though we're both Yankee fans).

I just wish I had seen the last 6 outs.

Oh well, nobody's perfect (except Roy Halladay and 19 other pitchers).

The Audacity of Hoop...

The Boston Celtics (perhaps pictured) find themselves dazed and confused.

This is getting fun.

The Orlando Magic fought back and have now taken two in a row from Boston.

The C's are halfway to an EPIC collapse.

And this could come RIGHT AFTER the Bruins blew not just a 3-0 series lead, but a 3-0 lead in Game 7.

Man would that be delicious.
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Talk about a moment that captures the essence of what's going on...

During Game 5, Dwight Howard throws an accidental (wink, wink) elbow that CLOBBERS Big Baby Davis in the head.

Davis lost a tooth.

He also had a concussion.

He got off the ground and was walking like a drunk participant in a dizzy bat race (is there a dumber in-game promotion?).

Big Baby staggered into the waiting arms of... the ref. Thankfully, he didn't fall face first onto the court.

So there you have it.

Boston trying to deliver the knockout blow gets knocked the HECK out by a game Orlando team.

Stan Van Gundy, the so-called 'Master of Panic,' has his team loose and playing together.
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Still, to complete the gag, the Magic have to win another in Boston.

In my view, you have to get on the C's EARLY.

Get that crowd from pumped to freaked the heck out.

Still, between Kendrick Perkins' ejection and multiple injuries, the Celtics are learning, the longer you let a team hang around, the more problems that can arise.
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And then there's the Lakers coronation that isn't.

Kobe is just about the only person who brough his game from Los Angeles to Phoenix.

Reason number 10,000 why I hate most sports-talk... I've heard hosts breaking down the Lakers-Celtics series.

These guys were literally talking matchups.

Too soon?

Phoenix showed they are the deeper team in Games 3 and 4.

Now if they could only get their bench players to show up for ONE road game, we could really be in business.

I have to go to Monty Python to describe Phoenix and Orlando... They're not dead.

Is it just a flesh wound?

Game 5 in LA is Thursday night.

Can't wait.

Super Cold...

Miami (not pictured) has lost out to New York/New Jersey for the 2014 Super Bowl.

Economically, it's a hit for my hometown.

Personally, I love it when the Super Bowl comes here. I went to 2 of the games, and had a blast both times.
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With that said, people are complaining about the weather for the Super Bowl.

How dare you host an event in New York City in the winter?

I say, who cares?

First of all, real fans aren't the ones buying tickets to Super Bowl games.

The guy who buys 8 Dolphins games in section 415, 2 preseason games, and 10 parking passes, can't afford to go to the game if it's in New York or South Florida.

Some corporate suit who is trying to woo an extra client, who doesn't know Drew Brees from Drew Barrymore, that's who is going to be sitting there.

So I say, let him freeze.

Most people are hoping for good weather, I want a g.d. monsoon.

I hope his hands are so numb that he can't even put in his bluetooth to check the foreign markets.
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Secondly, as for the events themselves, New York-New Jersey is awesome.

People go there independent of the weather.

New York is one of the biggest tourist destinations in the galaxy for a reason.

Hotels, restaurants, bars... New York is first class.

They've had Super Bowls in Detroit and Jacksonville.

You gonna tell me New York can't handle an event like this?

Please.

I've been to the World Series in New York on several occassions.

It's always cold.

And it's always amazing.
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Some have even had the nerve to complain about the conditions for the players.

Does this argument even need addressing?

We're talking about FOOTBALL.

These guys are paid millions of dollars.

AND it's the Super Bowl.

If they were playing a Super Bowl on the surface of the sun, and you offered Dan Marino the chance to quarterback it, you don't think he'd take it?

I say, let's enjoy.

It should be a great game and a great time.

In the words of Alicia Keys, let's hear it for New York....

The Fleecing Of America????

Bono: Great philanthropist and rock God or self-righteous douchebag?

That's the question I pose to you today.
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I like U2.

There's something about their music that makes me want to riot in Dublin and I'm a jew from Hollywood, Florida.

Their music FEELS like protest music (though I'll be damned I know what they're so upset about).
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So Bono's 50.

In preparation for his concert, he threw out his back.

Not shocking, and one of the perils when you like a band with a front-man on the wrong side of the half-century mark.

Shows have been cancelled, including the one here in South Florida at Sun Life Stadium.

They are planning another show for 2011.

But in the meantime, they're holding people's money.

Think about that.

There are people who gave $500 in 2009, and won't get to see a show until SOMETIME in 2011.

That's not cool, especially in this economy.

So, if U2 cares about their fans, they will do the right thing.
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Today, I posted the article about the concert change on my facebook page, and a fascinating discussion emerged.

The heart of it is this: I said, the world is a better place because of Bono.

A HUGE U2 fan said, he questions any philanthropy where someone does a good thing, and then calls the Entertainment Tonight cameras over to spotlight his kind act.

So which is it?

Is Bono self-serving or does he serve humanity?

Culturally...

It's been a HUGE week for television fans.

Two tremendously popular series have come to an end and my feeling is...

Absolutely nothing.

"24" and "Lost" were two SMASH network hits, and I can honestly say, I haven't seen an episode of either.
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These shows definitely were the talk around the watercooler.

People loved them.

And if my facebook news feed is any indication, there were serious splits among the "Lost" folks about the last episode.

As I interpret everyone's feed, the BIG ENDING WAS, everyone on the island was dead.

So wait, there was an awful plane crash and it took 6 years to figure out that everyone was dead?

I sort of gathered that from the inital trailer, but hey, whatever makes you happy.
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"24" changed television forever.

It was in real time!

What a catch!

I'm not anti-Jack Bauer.

I'm sure he's a bad-ass and saves the world.

The reason I never jumped on that bandwagon was that it was network tv.

If I'm going to have a show about killing and secret-agent stuff, I'm going to need real violence and foul language.

Spoiler alert 2, Jack Bauer didn't die.

SHOCKING!

You don't think they'd like to franchise that popular show into a movie?
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The bigger point is this.

I actually felt badly for fans of both shows.

I've been there.

It's really sad when a series ends.

I still remember the Seaver family clearing out their house at the end of "Growing Pains." That was highly traumatic.

When the Sopranos ended, that put a REAL void in my life.

What the hell was I going to do on Sunday nights? (and what the hell happened in that last scene?).

So I get it.

I really do.

And by all accounts, these were two quality shows.

It's nice to see shows with actual writers and ideas finding an audience.

It's refreshing to remember that America likes more than karaoke and reality shows.

Why I Hate Emoticons....

My brother (not pictured) told me that if I wanted more activity on the blog, I'd have to take harder stances.

He said I'd have to tackle controversial subjects and say inflammatory things.

So how about this: Emoticons go ***K yourself :)
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Here's a multiple choice question for you.

By adding an emoticon two sentences ago, I proved that
A. I was kidding
B. I'm a 12-year old girl
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Emoticons are the death of human discourse.

They represent a low-point in communication.

They're a grownups way of say "not!"
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I know.

We're all communicating in various forums now.

Many of them are new, most of them are written.

Between texting, im-ing, twitter, facebook, and all other social messaging means, we're writting to each other more than ever.

And on rare occassions, that can lead to misunderstandings.

But that doesn't mean we need to resort to emoticons.
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People use emoticons to test limits.

A guy can tell a girl, let's go back to my place :)

By putting the ridiculous little symbol, this goes from a direct invitation for coitus, to giving that guy an out if the request backfires.

I say, Man up! If you want to say something, go for it.

I'd love to read the sexual harrassment lawsuit where the accused says, "No, I wasn't harrassing her, don't you see the smiley face."
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People need to mean what they say, and say what they mean.

Get to your point already.

Don't mask it.

If you write "My dog was just flattened by a truck"... you don't need to throw in the :(

I'm pretty sure from context clues, I can gather that you are sad.
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Emoticons aren't creative, they stifle our ability to express ourselves.

They are weakening our vocab and create a new, dumber version of ourselves.

Look throughout history's great documents, find any emoticons?

If we were able to write the Declartion of Independence, Federalist Papers, and Constitution without emoticons, I'm pretty sure you can communicate with Bob in accounting without using them.

Grow up :)

Snookered?

Were the Miami Dolphins snookered into signing Brandon Marshall (not pictured)?

That's the question every Miami Dolphins fan had to be asking after the first day of OTAs.

Football shouldn't matter in May.

But when your newly-acquired $50 million man is on an exercise bike while the rest of the team is practicing, there's cause for concern.
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Cleo was not the only Lemon the Dolphins have had in recent history.

Plenty of times the Dolphins have dealt for guys who were sub-par, or hurt, or worse yet, named Joey Harrington.

But this was supposed to be different.

Brandon Marshall is by all accounts a certified bad-ass.

He's one of the best wide receivers in the NFL and a dominant force.
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So why is it, on day 1 of off-season workout number one, it's suddenly sprung on us that he's had off-season surgery?

That's information that *MAY* have been slightly useful prior.
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The Dolphins KNEW that Marshall had surgery on his hip before.

My question is: Did DENVER know that Marshall would need a cleanup again?

Where were the beat writers on this story?

I'm sure getting your hip scoped in May won't impact him too much when the season rolls around.

But it's a fairly inauspicious start for the Dolphins new star.

And to make matters worse, he was wearing Ted Ginn's number.

Here's hoping that Marshall changes numbers and produces as expected.

This is way more than any football fan should have to worry about an OTA.

Handling Hanley

.342, 24 home runs, 106 RBI, 27 stolen bases.

Those are rock star numbers that Hanley Ramirez (pictured for many South Florida fans who are clueless about how good this guy is) put up in 2009.

So why are the Marlins having issues with their super-star?
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The reason is simple, he's acting like a jerk.

Hanley is in the middle of a 6-year, $70 million dollar contract.

And yet, he has dogged it on several occassions.

That's the unforgivable in sports.

Not trying.

If you don't try during a pickup basketball game, your buddy may want to fight you.

Imagine how Jeffrey Loria felt watching his $70 million dollar man kick the ball around like a 3rd grader.
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Fredi took A step by pulling Hanley out of the game.

But if it were me, it would've been immediate.

I wouldn't have let him finish the inning.

And it would've been by his ear.

Hurt or not, there is an element of professional pride that SHOULD kick in.
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With all that said, Hanley is in a bizarre position.

He puts up MONSTER numbers and is respected around the game.

Yet, on some nights, he plays in front of crowds that rival my Bar Mitzvah.

He's feared around the league, but could probably walk around the Aventura Mall undetected (actually have seen Josh Johnson there a few times, he was NEVER stopped).

How do you stay motivated for that?

I think all that money would help.
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Think about a baseball player's day.

They have to "try" for about 3 hours.

That's it.

You take BP, you hang out at the ballpark...

Who among us wouldn't take a $70-million job where 3 hours of effort are required?

And it's baseball, how much effort is needed?

Oh man, I had a strenuous day of spitting sunflower seeds, checking out the girls in the stands, fielding 3 ground balls, grabbing myself 1895 times...

Man, I need a nap.

Good thing, I get to sit for 25 minute intervals every half inning between at-bats.
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Despite his growing pains, Hanley continues to produce.

Aloof, difficult, productive...

Hanley really is starting to morf into those Manny being Manny comparisons.

In this case, yes, the juice is worth the squeeze.

If the Marlins don't want Hanley, every other team in baseball would be happy to take their problem off their hands.
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I can say this for all this Hanley nonsense, it's the most interesting thing to happen to the Marlins this year.

The Marlins have been moving along, playing around 500.

The real story of the Fish is that they're waiting for the big slugger Mike Stanton to come to town.

He might as well be named Godot.

Back to Hanley, bench him, sit him, doesn't matter, he's still your best player... for now.

Belated Book Review....

Seeing as I was the last person in the world to read "Freakonomics" (not pictured), I thought I'd write a review about it.

It's one of those books that makes you feel smart, without actually having to be smart.

It's quasi-intellectual beach-reading.

I totally get why it was a best-seller.
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From an economists point of view, reading the work of Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner is efficent.

Here's why.

You can gain all of the BENEFIT of their research, without having to incur ANY of the COST.

It's a nice little system.
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They make everything sound so simple.

They make economics sound so approachable and logical.

Everyone lies, but numbers don't.

That's one of their central themes.

I would counter with 19th century British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
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I don't know how I feel about many of their premises.

Roe v Wade (first blog reference to Wade that wasn't about Dwyane) led to less crime. School teachers cheat like sumo wrestlers.

That they are correct is far less interesting, than the fact that they are interesting.
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True story.

I had a college economics professor who was FED up with the old 'gun vs. butter' example that is used in common economics.

And so, he decided to mix it up and talk about Mozartkuglen (he was Austrian).

Did it make me understand what was on the X-axis better?

Nope.

Did I appreciate his efforts and attempt to introduce me to a new treat?

Absolutely.
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That's how I feel about this book.

I'm not a devotee to Levitt and Dubner's work.

But I appreciate the effort.

Any book that introduces critical thinking skills to the masses is a good thing.

The problem is they make it sound like economics is easy.

You don't need math or research, just ask interesting questions.

Does using Mentadent cure erectile dysfunction?

Are dyslexic children good at hopscotch?

Did the rise of Vanilla Ice's popularity coincide with the plummet of the value of the yen?

Oh how 'Freakonomics' am I???
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So yeah, I was entertained.

I liked the book.

I just think Levitt and Dubner are kind of full of it.

Least Valuable Player

Bobby Moynihan (unfortunately pictured) is the least talented cast member that "Saturday Night Live" has ever had.

I don't say that for hyperbole's sake.

I've been watching the show for over 20 years.

He's the worst.

He's supposed to be the funny fat guy: He is neither fat nor funny.

He's literally done nothing funny in his time with the show.

Considering this is a show that has given us John Belushi and Chris Farley, that *THIS* is the only zaftig comedian that they can find, is disgraceful.

Last night, his "Snookie" impression was the height of non-hilarity.

The only reason I like this guy, he gives me practice in using the fast-forward button on my new tivo.
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Despite one clear waste of space, I think SNL has had its moments lately.

The Betty White/Jay-Z show was the highlight of the season.

It's a shame that wasn't the season finale.

The Alec Baldwin/Tom Petty show was tough to watch.

It's as if the crew wasted ALL of their good writing the previous week.

The skits weren't just bad, most of them were TOO long.

If a joke takes NINE minutes to develop, it had damn well better be funny.

There were a FEW moments worth mentioning on the positive side.

I really like Bill Hader's bit on Weekend Update where he recommends 'hot spots' in town. Still, it wasn't as funny as the first time he did it.

The microwave time machine skit was decent (albeit painfully long).
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Alec Baldwin is a great SNL host.

He's a gifted actor and has comic chops.

Next time, perhaps you don't spend the whole week reading press clippings about the Betty White show, and instead, you know, do some actual writing.

Oh and Tom Petty, don't be afraid to play one of your hits.
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A fellow SNL fan, will retort to this breakdown.

His comments will be posted in the comments section.

I eager to hear what "Diss Bank' has to say.

Please read it.

The worst part?

Next week they're airing the repeat with Justin Bieber (wish I were kidding).

Waiting Game...

Thank you Boston Celtics.

With their win over Cleveland I'm finally riveted by the NBA.

I'm sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens to the four men you see pictured: LeBron, Wade, Bosh, and Amare.

Dirk may also be changing teams this summer.

Joe Johnson is in play.
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The NBA is now pure and total chaos.

I think LA will wrap up the title among the four teams that are left.

But Kobe had better celebrate while he can.

The landscape of the league, for the next DECADE, is now on the line.

The games between now and the handing out of the trophy are merely a footnote to the off-the-court activities.
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As for my hometown, Miami, I think we're in the hunt.

I've previously laid out why I think it's POSSIBLE for the Heat to sign both LeBron and Dwyane Wade.

I don't know how realistic that could be.

But leave me be.

Allow me to dream between now and July 8th (players can agree to deals July 1, but can't officially sign the contracts until July 8th).

This could be the makings of a dynasty.

OR, the Heat could suck for a long, long time.

Players like Dwyane Wade don't happen often.

If he left, it'd be like Sherman walking out of Atlanta. That's General Sherman, not former Heat and Syracuse guard Sherman Douglas (who happened to be nicknamed the General).

So, if I'm going to have a decade of awful basketball, at least, give me this month or so to dream big.
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Civic pride is on the line BIG TIME this summer.

How big is your town?

How can you woo the best in the league to come to you?

New York has made their move, they've offered LeBron free lap dances for life at Scores.

Excuse me big apple.

But if you're going to appeal to LeBron's prurient interests, you're barking up the wrong tree.

We have a little more to offer here in Miami.

Now, if you were going to offer him unlimited museum tours.

Or if LeBron happened to have a hipster fetish, you'd be in luck (in your face Swifty).
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Chicago, New York, New Jersey, Miami, Los Angeles, Dallas...

This is the summer where EVERYONE is playing for keeps.

This free agency period promises to be more captivating than any NBA regular season, since Michael Jordan retired.

Frankly, once all these guys sign, the rest of the season is going to be anticlimactic.

The NBA: Where waiting for free agency happens.

Kirby's Choice

Randy Shannon's contract extension puts Athletic Director Kirby Hocutt (not pictured) on the line.

He's saying: Randy's our guy.

I'm not saying it's a bad decision. I'm just saying what *IS* pictured is how I feel about it.
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To be fair to Randy Shannon, there are signs that the program is trending in the right direction.

Three straight years Miami has improved by two wins. That's a fact.

The Canes are performing well in the classroom. That's a fact.

The Canes are staying off the police blotter. That's a fact.

However, excuse me if I don't do cartwheels over a guy whose record at UM is 21-17 and who has exactly zero bowl wins or BCS appearances.

Not exactly a record that Jimmy Johnson or Howard Schnellenberger would envy.
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This is the year for Randy Shannon to prove that he's laying not just a solid foundation at the U, but an elite one.

As I wrote in my previous blog "There's No U In Mediocre," I was looking forward to Shannon having a contract year.

I liked Randy going into this season without a contract.

It showed his belief in his program.

From the school's perspective, either they would have an elite coach, or they would have the freedom to go find one.

Now all that's out the window.
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As a Canes fan, I will say this: Now it's on you Kirby.

You hitched your wagon on Randy Shannon.

In 3 years or so, if Miami's still meandering around 9 wins, you'll be the one who everyone turns to for answers.

Hope you're happy with your selection.

Chalk Outline...

Excuse Pat Riley if he's starting to get excited.

That's because LeBron James (kind of pictured) is now ONE loss from being a free agent.

A very unhappy free agent.
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The NBA has the Larry Bird rule in place to do the following: keep star players put.

The basis of the rule is that the CURRENT team can offer more money than any other bidding team to a free agent.

That's the reason I foresee Dwyane Wade staying in South Florida for a long time (well that and the restraining order he's going to take out on his bat***T crazy ex-wife, Glenn Close anyone?)

So yes, Cleveland can give LeBron more money than anyone else can.
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But, there's something that Miami has that Cleveland does not.

Cap space.

Right now, Cleveland is tapped out.

GM Danny Ferry has constructed his best shot at a title.

He brought in Moe Williams (even though Riley wanted him at the time) and he brought in Shaq (who the Heat were done with--- remember 'win a ring for the king').

And what's it gotten them?

If Boston knocks out Cleveland in the 2nd round of the playoffs, LeBron is going to have to do some serious thinking.

Cleveland has done EVERYTHING possible to build a winner, and can't get out of the conference finals. In the EAST.

Sure, you're a God here. Everyone is a witness, to your mediocrity.

You can throw up ALL the chalk you want, but you're left with no rings.
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And then there's Miami calling.

Go down and play with your buddy Dwade.

You both get max contracts.

The Heat will have some flexibity to throw in a few extra parts.

LeBron has two MVPs and is clearly the best overall player in basketball, but he has zero rings.

Riley has plenty.

He can shine them in LeBron's face and say: Magic, Kareem, Wade, Shaq... I got them all their precious. Do you want to be a part of that?
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Yes, New York can come calling.

They'll sell him on the big apple and Madison Square Garden.

But be honest, with Wade, Miami's closer.

I always say this, the Knicks are NOT the Yankees.

They have SOME tradition, but not the type that would lure LeBron.

Sure, there are marketing possiblities in New York.

But LeBron is already a one-man global brand.

No state income tax is a nice little cherry on top.
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One of my favorite Pat Riley expressions is: Hard work won't guarantee you anything, but without it, you don't stand a chance.

Well, if the Celtics get one more win over Cleveland, Miami has a chance at LeBron.

You could roll out Wade, LeBron, and put Justin Bieber at the point, and you'd reach the Eastern Conference Finals.

Can Leaveland say the same thing?

Ode To Obits...

It seems a strange transition from Betty White to this... But this thought occurred to me today, so I thought I'd share.

I love obits (not pictured, well...)

When I open up my newspaper, I immediately go to sports.

I then go to living arts and the front page.

But, if I really want to luxuriate, and enjoy my paper, I'll go to the obituary page.
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Just think about the task of writing an obit.

Your job is encapsulate a person's entire life, in just a few paragraphs.

What a monumental task.

There are DAYS which I live which I think can't be summarized in just a few paragraphs.
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What I really like about obits is this...

In death, a good obit brings the person back to life.

When someone REALLY old dies, who was likely before my time, reading their obituary gives me a chance to discover their work.

It's so ironic.
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Facebook has changed obits in strange ways.

Now it's a race to throw up the RIP on your page for a famous person.

The sooner you throw it up, the more you liked the person and thus, the cooler you are.

I'm guilty of this.

I think the most famous 'collective death' in recent memory was Michael Jackson's.

And for many people, it brought back music of their childhood.

I remember going to a bar in downtown Miami and they had a big projection screen showing videos from "Thriller."

But that was the easy obit to write.

Everyone had that experience.

The more obscure ones are fun for me.

I know morbid, but true.

And what better way to cross the 5-thousand hit marker than by writing about death.

If you need happier thoughts, just go throw on some Justin Bieber.

White's Night....

When I first read the facebook campaign to have Betty White (not pictured) host "Saturday Night Live," I was skeptical.

I thought, how random?

This was probably just people creating a false sense of 80's nostalgia for the "Golden Girls."

I thought, people don't actually want this, they just want to sound COOL by wanting this.

I just didn't get it.
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Much to my surprise, Lorne Michaels actually obliged the masses and let Betty White host the show.

It's one of the better decisions he's made in a while.
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I have now watched the Betty White episode of SNL 3 times on my DVR.

I thought she was incredible.

Truly.

And not just incredible for an 88 year old.

Incredible for an SNL host.

Her sense of comic timing, her acting, she was outstanding.

This isn't just 'let's laugh at the old lady to be nice.' Betty White was foul, crass, dirty and hilarious.
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Perhaps, having the vessel of an 88 year old charming woman, gave the writers the freedom to cut loose.

Frankly, you can get away with ***t when you have a nice old lady say it, that you couldn't with anyone else.

Between "Wizard of Ass," "Barking up the wrong lesbian" and the entire "muffin" sketch, it was one of the raunchiest SNLs in recent memory.

But the laughs were real.

And it helps that SNL brought back so many talented female cast members, Tina, Amy, Rachel, Maya....

Really shows you where the lack is now.

The show needs to rely a little less on Kristin to bring ALL the female funny.

It needs a few more strong female cast members.
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Betty wasn't the only highlight of the show.

It's easy to say Jay-Z is your favorite rapper.

But Jay-Z is mine.

I thought his first performance, taking all that time, going through so many of his greatest hits, it was a real treat.

He brought his A-game to SNL and even gave a shoutout to Betty White after his second song.

The set was also worth noting.
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SNL is a challenge for ANY actor.

Plenty of people have sucked at it.

Look Betty White is almost 90.

To give performances like she did, at that level, at that age, it was truly inspiring.

It's nice to know that you can still do what you love, your whole life.

Plus, I was truly touched watching the cast members interact with her.

When they brought her flowers at the very end of the show, I was moved.

Much like with the movie "Up," I love seeing older people being treated with dignity.
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I thought this started out as a facebook hoax.

But what it turned into was a populist movement to honor an actress, who used the spotlight to shine.

Get yourself on hulu and start watching clips from the show.

It was an instant classic.

Artist From The Art...

Right off the bat let me say this.

I will not 'Duke Lacrosse' Lawrence Taylor (not pictured).

There's a huge difference between raping a 16-year old prostitute and being accused of raping a 16-year old prostitute.

So, I will give LT the presumption of innocence.

But I can't say I was surprised to see him in handcuffs.

I can't pretend like this is some sort of fall from grace.
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Denial is an important tool for any fan.

If you are truly passionate about someone, you have to block out their flaws, otherwise your image of them will be ruined.

Before you go calling me a fan-boy, psychologists have a name for this phenomenon. The trouble with holding two contradictory ideas at the same time is called cognitive dissonance. We as human animals, do our best to avoid it.

Needless to say, today wasn't the first day I've felt it as an LT fan.
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I don't need to give you LT's resume as a football player.

On the field, he was my favorite of all time.

He was the most disruptive defensive force I've ever seen.

But the best part of watching LT, you could always count on him. At all times, the Giants had the best player on the field. He was the baddest man on the planet. And he was going to make a decisive play.
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Indulge me this personal memory.

It's the 1990 NFC Championship game.

The 49ers are leading in the 4th quarter.

The Giants need a miracle.

My brother and I are in my parents bed.

We are huddled around a mini-helmet of the Giants.

We're dying for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to happen.

The Niners give the ball to Mr. High Knees, Roger Craig.

He puts the ball on the ground, and son-of-a-bitch if it isn't LT who recovers the ball.

Matt Bahr kicks the game-winning field goal.

Two weeks later, I put on my 56 Jersey (with Lang on the back) as my entire family drives to Tampa to watch the Giants win their second Super Bowl in my lifetime.

I'm not exaggerating here, that moment with my brother was one of the best of my life. If I were dying "American Beauty"-style, that would be one of the pictures that flashes into my head.

I will never forget how nervous we were BEFORE the play, and how excited we were after it.

56 made it happen.

The Giants had won, and we had a chance to go to the Super Bowl, and it was all thanks to LT.
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Flash-forward 20 years, and I'm at work, watching channel 121.1 as Lawrence Taylor is facing charges for allegedly beating up Jodie Foster's character in "Taxi Driver."

How am I supposed to wrap my head around that?

How do I separate the genius football player who brought so much happiness into my life, with the clearly-flawed man who has had battles with about every demon that a human can face?

How do I parce out the beauty of his work with the ugliness of his life?

Why should I even care?

He's a 51-year old stranger who I met briefly to sign a book at the Emerald Hills Country Club.

I don't know LT.

So why the hell did it bother me so much????
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And honestly, being a "good guy" was never part of his appeal.

Bill Parcells' greatest move as a coach, was keeping a blind eye to everything that LT did.

I know that's harsh.

But Parcells has two titles. LT has two. Irony?

I like Parcells, but the reason his "genius" defensive philosophy hasn't won a title in 20 years, is because he hasn't lined up 56 on the outside. That's it.

LT was able to carry on and do whatever he wanted, because he was a star.

Now he's not.

Now there are consequences.

That's been tough for him.

He's not the first ex-jock to run into that issue.

Nor will he be the last.
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To me, the really shocking moment was when LT went on "Dancing With The Stars." I thought, who are you trying to fool?

Even though he was decent in "Any Given Sunday," was LT ever going to appeal to soccer moms???
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Guilty or innocent in this particular case, I say this as a Giants fan, I don't think things will end well for LT.

What's left for me is the problem of my cognitive dissonance.

Let's say he IS convicted for raping a child.

How then can I say that child rapist sure brought happiness to my life?

I'm so confused.

I think I'll go throw on a Roman Polanski film.

Juicing The System....

Former Dolphins wide receiver O.J. McDuffie (not pictured) just won an $11.5 million dollar medical malpractice lawsuit against former Fins team doc---Dr. John Uribe (also not pictured).

I wasn't on the jury.

I wasn't in the courtroom.

But based on what I've read, I think O.J. juiced the system.
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This is a case of a more than $11 million toe.

The deal is this.

O.J. got hurt.

The doc said, You can play.

O.J. said there was tendon damage that doc KNEW about and still forced O.J. out there.
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The reward was $10 million in lost wages.

$1.5 million dollars in anguish.

I think both are garbage.
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Let's start with the lost wages.

Have you ever watched an NFL game?

You are ALWAYS a play away from your career being over.

At any practice you can blow out your ACL and you're toast.

If the team doc tells you something that's against your better judgement, here's a crazy idea, get a second opinion. You're rich, get a third.

Talk to a players union rep if you feel any pressure to get on the field.

Only you know your body.

You are a professional athlete.

Your body is your living. Protect it.

How about a little personal responsiblity?
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Then there's over a MILLION dollars in anguish because his career ended prematurely.

I always wanted to play football.

God gave me no ability in, well, just about any physical task required to play the game.

Should I file suit?

By making me a skinny, gangly guy, God prematurely ended my NFL career.

Get me Alan Dershowitz on the phone.
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I grew up in a doctor's household.

I was raised to believe that doctors are healers with a unique gift.

Much like NFL players, who also have rare talent.

O.J. you were a fantastic wide receiver.

Let it go.

Is there a single guy who ever played the game who didn't have anguish when their career came to an end?

Does any retired player not think he has one more go left in him?

I always liked O.J. as a player.

I just lost a lot of respect for him as a person.

Dude, Where's My Ace?

If Greg Spicoli and Nolan Ryan had a child, it would be Tim Lincecum (not pictured).

I had the opportunity to see the Giants Ace pitch in person on Tuesday night.

What a show!

Usually, when a game ends in extra innings, features 2 DRAMATIC 3-run homers by the home team, and a tying home run with 2 outs in the 9th by the road team--- that's your lead.

Not with Lincecum on the mound.

His no-decision was a thing of beauty.
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Tim Lincecum is what happens when stage-parenting goes RIGHT.

We've seen the commercials with his dad.

Basically, his old man taught him ABSOLUTELY perfect pitching mechanics.

Mine, helped me with my 11th grade Vocab list.

Eat your heart out Lincecums!
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Lincecum looks like Randy Johnson's Mini-Me.

He's got the long hair.

He's got the fastball in the high 90's.

But he also looks like an extra on the O-C.

Lincecum is short. He's thin. He doesn't work out of a full windup.

I'm told he doesn't ice his arm after games.

He just kicks his legs, and then BOOM, this powerful ball flies out of his hands.

He can also manipulate his pitches like a conductor (be it train or musical)
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The reason I like Lincecum is he's the answer to the steroid era.

We need more guys like that.

Baseball isn't a game about how big you are, how strong you are, or even how fast you are (ask any of the Molina Brothers).

Baseball is a thinking man's game about mastery, skill, and god-given talent.

Lincecum is a west-coast stoner, who happens to have a golden arm.

He reminds me of the kid in "Rookie of the Year."

On the mound he's cool and calm.

He almost seems high.

Which, based on his off-season issue, is a distinct possiblity.
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Lincecum set down 13 Marlins.

But each strikeout was a thing of beauty.

Sure, one could say he got a few favorable calls.

I'm ok with that.

The guy is a meistro.

That's what made tonight so special.

The Giants only come to Miami for 3 games a year.

Fortunately, I was able to see his start.
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One more baseball note while I have your attention.

I'm not from Detroit.

I'm not in ANY position to give Ernie Harwell's eulogy.

But, I did meet him once inside a bathroom in Lakeland.

The legendary Tigers broadcaster was a kind man.

He talked with me for a minute or two, realizing that I was in awe of his amazing career.

I don't usually like Bob Costas' pompous ways, but, his interview with Harwell was a masterclass in not just broadcasting, but having a life well-lived. It was like "Tuesdays With Morrie," but on the MLB network.

It saddens me that my favorite sport lost another signature voice.

There aren't many left.

There's No "U" In Mediocre...

Can't get clean.

Scrub as I might, I wash and rewash. I try the bar-soap, I try the hand-soap, I try the liquid gel. I resort to using Pert Plus.

I can't seem to wash the smell off of me.

Did the dog secretly drop a deuce in the bathroom that I can't see?

I couldn't possibly smell that bad.
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The year is, well, about any year between 1984 and 1994.

I've just come from another lopsided Canes victory at the Orange Bowl.

I forced my mother to drive me two-hours early to the game, and wouldn't leave until I saw each touchdown of the absolute obliteration.

Those games were just like watching a Tyson fight.

Just like Tyson had the knockout before the opening bell, the Canes usually knocked out their opponent the second they ran out of the smoke.

We wait an hour for the car parked directly in front us. Yeah, our "no blockie" spot FINALLY clears out.

And just like that, we leave Little Havana.

To top it off, I need to hear the locker room show, just so I could listen to the guys revel in their latest annihilation.
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But back to the shower, you could spend hours in there.

You could call in a team of NASA scientists, washing off the smell of the Orange Bowl was a task above anyone's paygrade.

God I miss section U, Row 65. God I miss that smell.
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And that's the perspective from which I'm going to write this particular blog.

I'm going to throw off my "journalist" hat and speak as a fan.

A fan who watched too many consecutive wins at home, a fan who once drank out of the dip-cup of a stranger who was wearing overalls, a fan who listened to loonatics chant "AH-OH" at any female who had the audacity to walk back to her seat, a fan who was thrown into the garbage can by linebackers and taken out by the kicker (thanks Greg Cox).

So yeah, 9 win seasons don't make me happy.
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I love that Randy Shannon (not pictured) doesn't have a contract after this season.

I think it's the best scenerio for Randy and I think it's the best scenerio for the University of Miami.

Right now, Randy Shannon is Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire.

He's betting big on himself.

I like that.

Either he's right about what he's built here and stands for a monster payday.

Or...

He's wrong, and thanks for playing.

You have to respect that.

Randy's got stones and Kirby's smart.
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I know it's early May.

So why am I talking about University of Miami football?

I just feel like it.

During the off-season, fans like to kick around the "we should beat them," "that's going to be a tough one" emails.

I think it's all non-sense.

I have friends who sat with me in section "U," die-hard Canes fans, who are scared of games like Pittsburgh and Clemson.

I refuse to accept that.

If the University of Miami is afraid to play a Wannstedt-coached team, then they're not a real Canes team.

I don't care what the rankings say.
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We've been told for so long that Randy Shannon is an expert recruiter.

Perhaps that's true.

But, we haven't seen it, yet.

Doesn't mean it's untrue.

But we can't say that we've seen it.
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Kick this one around Canes fans.

I asked this to a friend on the phone today.

How many players from last year's team, would have played a SINGLE DOWN on the 2001 National Championship team?

We're talking 10 years ago.

And I'm not talking based on potential.

I'm not talking based on the eye-test (Aldarius Johnson LOOKS like an NFL Pro Bowler).

But based on what they've shown.

A single down.

My answer: 1.

I think Allen Bailey would've found his way onto the field.

That's it.
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If Randy Shannon is going to get a BIG contract offer from Miami, we need to revisit that question in 8 months.

If we don't say at least 5, Randy likely won't be here.

I'm not saying the potential isn't there.

I'm just saying, I want to see it now.
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There are areas to give Randy a LOT of credit for.

He did change the culture at Miami.

I can't remember the last Cane to get into trouble with the law.

The sheriff up in Gainesville must have Urban Meyer on speed-dial.

Two dozen plus arrests in the last few years.

So it's nice to lose the "thug U" reputation. (a reputation that wasn't particularly fair given the way Miami was graduating players back in the day).
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Here's the other beautiful part of Randy's no contract situation.

Let's say Randy is right.

Let's say this turns into a BCS-caliber team.

Let's say Jacory gets invited to New York for the Heisman and the Canes are awesome this year.

Randy can tell the school to shove it.

He can leave and take a big job elsewhere.

If he gets the big payday, who could say he hasn't earned it?
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I know that Sun Life Stadium is an antiseptic building.

It's lovely with its great suites and sightlines.

There's ample parking and the smell is like fresh potpourri.

But just because I can't get that Orange Bowl funk on me, doesn't mean the Canes can't return to greatness.

The first step is to stop accepting mediocre.

There's no doubt that Randy has improved the Canes from 5 wins to 7 to 9.

But the next jump has got to be even bigger.

I refuse to get excited about 4th round draft picks.

I refuse to applaud overtime losses to ACC opponents.

I'm sorry, I'm more afraid of Justin Bieber than I am of Dave Wannstedt.

Canes fans, don't accept average.