Least Valuable Player

Bobby Moynihan (unfortunately pictured) is the least talented cast member that "Saturday Night Live" has ever had.

I don't say that for hyperbole's sake.

I've been watching the show for over 20 years.

He's the worst.

He's supposed to be the funny fat guy: He is neither fat nor funny.

He's literally done nothing funny in his time with the show.

Considering this is a show that has given us John Belushi and Chris Farley, that *THIS* is the only zaftig comedian that they can find, is disgraceful.

Last night, his "Snookie" impression was the height of non-hilarity.

The only reason I like this guy, he gives me practice in using the fast-forward button on my new tivo.
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Despite one clear waste of space, I think SNL has had its moments lately.

The Betty White/Jay-Z show was the highlight of the season.

It's a shame that wasn't the season finale.

The Alec Baldwin/Tom Petty show was tough to watch.

It's as if the crew wasted ALL of their good writing the previous week.

The skits weren't just bad, most of them were TOO long.

If a joke takes NINE minutes to develop, it had damn well better be funny.

There were a FEW moments worth mentioning on the positive side.

I really like Bill Hader's bit on Weekend Update where he recommends 'hot spots' in town. Still, it wasn't as funny as the first time he did it.

The microwave time machine skit was decent (albeit painfully long).
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Alec Baldwin is a great SNL host.

He's a gifted actor and has comic chops.

Next time, perhaps you don't spend the whole week reading press clippings about the Betty White show, and instead, you know, do some actual writing.

Oh and Tom Petty, don't be afraid to play one of your hits.
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A fellow SNL fan, will retort to this breakdown.

His comments will be posted in the comments section.

I eager to hear what "Diss Bank' has to say.

Please read it.

The worst part?

Next week they're airing the repeat with Justin Bieber (wish I were kidding).

Ode To Obits...

It seems a strange transition from Betty White to this... But this thought occurred to me today, so I thought I'd share.

I love obits (not pictured, well...)

When I open up my newspaper, I immediately go to sports.

I then go to living arts and the front page.

But, if I really want to luxuriate, and enjoy my paper, I'll go to the obituary page.
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Just think about the task of writing an obit.

Your job is encapsulate a person's entire life, in just a few paragraphs.

What a monumental task.

There are DAYS which I live which I think can't be summarized in just a few paragraphs.
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What I really like about obits is this...

In death, a good obit brings the person back to life.

When someone REALLY old dies, who was likely before my time, reading their obituary gives me a chance to discover their work.

It's so ironic.
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Facebook has changed obits in strange ways.

Now it's a race to throw up the RIP on your page for a famous person.

The sooner you throw it up, the more you liked the person and thus, the cooler you are.

I'm guilty of this.

I think the most famous 'collective death' in recent memory was Michael Jackson's.

And for many people, it brought back music of their childhood.

I remember going to a bar in downtown Miami and they had a big projection screen showing videos from "Thriller."

But that was the easy obit to write.

Everyone had that experience.

The more obscure ones are fun for me.

I know morbid, but true.

And what better way to cross the 5-thousand hit marker than by writing about death.

If you need happier thoughts, just go throw on some Justin Bieber.

There's No "U" In Mediocre...

Can't get clean.

Scrub as I might, I wash and rewash. I try the bar-soap, I try the hand-soap, I try the liquid gel. I resort to using Pert Plus.

I can't seem to wash the smell off of me.

Did the dog secretly drop a deuce in the bathroom that I can't see?

I couldn't possibly smell that bad.
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The year is, well, about any year between 1984 and 1994.

I've just come from another lopsided Canes victory at the Orange Bowl.

I forced my mother to drive me two-hours early to the game, and wouldn't leave until I saw each touchdown of the absolute obliteration.

Those games were just like watching a Tyson fight.

Just like Tyson had the knockout before the opening bell, the Canes usually knocked out their opponent the second they ran out of the smoke.

We wait an hour for the car parked directly in front us. Yeah, our "no blockie" spot FINALLY clears out.

And just like that, we leave Little Havana.

To top it off, I need to hear the locker room show, just so I could listen to the guys revel in their latest annihilation.
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But back to the shower, you could spend hours in there.

You could call in a team of NASA scientists, washing off the smell of the Orange Bowl was a task above anyone's paygrade.

God I miss section U, Row 65. God I miss that smell.
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And that's the perspective from which I'm going to write this particular blog.

I'm going to throw off my "journalist" hat and speak as a fan.

A fan who watched too many consecutive wins at home, a fan who once drank out of the dip-cup of a stranger who was wearing overalls, a fan who listened to loonatics chant "AH-OH" at any female who had the audacity to walk back to her seat, a fan who was thrown into the garbage can by linebackers and taken out by the kicker (thanks Greg Cox).

So yeah, 9 win seasons don't make me happy.
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I love that Randy Shannon (not pictured) doesn't have a contract after this season.

I think it's the best scenerio for Randy and I think it's the best scenerio for the University of Miami.

Right now, Randy Shannon is Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire.

He's betting big on himself.

I like that.

Either he's right about what he's built here and stands for a monster payday.

Or...

He's wrong, and thanks for playing.

You have to respect that.

Randy's got stones and Kirby's smart.
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I know it's early May.

So why am I talking about University of Miami football?

I just feel like it.

During the off-season, fans like to kick around the "we should beat them," "that's going to be a tough one" emails.

I think it's all non-sense.

I have friends who sat with me in section "U," die-hard Canes fans, who are scared of games like Pittsburgh and Clemson.

I refuse to accept that.

If the University of Miami is afraid to play a Wannstedt-coached team, then they're not a real Canes team.

I don't care what the rankings say.
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We've been told for so long that Randy Shannon is an expert recruiter.

Perhaps that's true.

But, we haven't seen it, yet.

Doesn't mean it's untrue.

But we can't say that we've seen it.
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Kick this one around Canes fans.

I asked this to a friend on the phone today.

How many players from last year's team, would have played a SINGLE DOWN on the 2001 National Championship team?

We're talking 10 years ago.

And I'm not talking based on potential.

I'm not talking based on the eye-test (Aldarius Johnson LOOKS like an NFL Pro Bowler).

But based on what they've shown.

A single down.

My answer: 1.

I think Allen Bailey would've found his way onto the field.

That's it.
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If Randy Shannon is going to get a BIG contract offer from Miami, we need to revisit that question in 8 months.

If we don't say at least 5, Randy likely won't be here.

I'm not saying the potential isn't there.

I'm just saying, I want to see it now.
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There are areas to give Randy a LOT of credit for.

He did change the culture at Miami.

I can't remember the last Cane to get into trouble with the law.

The sheriff up in Gainesville must have Urban Meyer on speed-dial.

Two dozen plus arrests in the last few years.

So it's nice to lose the "thug U" reputation. (a reputation that wasn't particularly fair given the way Miami was graduating players back in the day).
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Here's the other beautiful part of Randy's no contract situation.

Let's say Randy is right.

Let's say this turns into a BCS-caliber team.

Let's say Jacory gets invited to New York for the Heisman and the Canes are awesome this year.

Randy can tell the school to shove it.

He can leave and take a big job elsewhere.

If he gets the big payday, who could say he hasn't earned it?
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I know that Sun Life Stadium is an antiseptic building.

It's lovely with its great suites and sightlines.

There's ample parking and the smell is like fresh potpourri.

But just because I can't get that Orange Bowl funk on me, doesn't mean the Canes can't return to greatness.

The first step is to stop accepting mediocre.

There's no doubt that Randy has improved the Canes from 5 wins to 7 to 9.

But the next jump has got to be even bigger.

I refuse to get excited about 4th round draft picks.

I refuse to applaud overtime losses to ACC opponents.

I'm sorry, I'm more afraid of Justin Bieber than I am of Dave Wannstedt.

Canes fans, don't accept average.

My Birthday Wish...

So this weekend I will be celebrating my birthday (not pictured).

I don't need to wish for much. It's been a really great year in my life and I'm excited about all of it.

But, this year, this blog was also born.

And so what I'd really like from my readers is the following:

Tell people about this blog.

Post it as a status on your facebook page. Tweet about it.

Spread the good word.

I try to balance out sports and other items. There should be a little something in here for everyone.

It's nice to write a generic "happy birthday" on my facebook wall. But if you could spread the gospel of the blog, that would mean more to me.

Well, that or a Justin Bieber CD.