Wizarding World? More Like My Personal Nightmare

I had the opportunity to go on the new Harry Potter ride (not pictured).

Well, opportunity isn't really the right word.

I'd use hostage situation, but I wasn't taken by force.

Well, not physical force.

More like emotional espionage and bribery.

An out-of-town friend was DYING to go on this thing.

He promised me a fun day at Universal parks.

And, to top it off, we had free passes that allowed us to not only go into both parks, but to cut all lines.

So, I went.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now let me give you the following warning.

I don't like the Harry Potter series.

It's just not my thing.

I do respect it because I like anything that gets people excited about reading.

So, I would say I fell somewhere between hater and muggle on the scale.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The park wasn't just hot.

It was the surface of the sun hot.

The poor folks who actually had to wait, were standing in line JUST TO GET INTO the area where the Potter ride was located.

That's right, a line to get into the line.

I couldn't imagine enduring that heat JUST to get into Harry's world.

To use the worst line that TV anchors say, if you're going to go, pack your patience.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Universal's credit, the place allegedly looked exactly like the books.

There were all these little shops which were references to both the movies and books.

I did drink a glass of butterbeer (I tried both the frozen and unfrozen).

It tasted like caramel and nerd.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
When we walked into the actual ride area, it was all Pottered out.

There was a hologram of an old dude talking about Hogwarts and our role on the ride.

Then there were three holograms of the goofy British kid who was in Equis, and two other characters.

They were talking about a game of whatever broom-ball sport Harry plays.

I was bored to tears.

My friend was nearly moved to tears.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
And then the ride started.

You know those moments where you know you're getting old?

It's nothing big.

It's just that you realize, my body isn't responding to this stimuli the way it used to.

I would describe getting on the Potter ride like that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
They strap you into a chair.

In your ear you hear accented voice saying god knows what.

It was like being in "Clockwork Orange."

But rather than the ultra-sex and the ultra-violence, I was subjected to much worse.

You're flying through the air following Harrry.

They toss you about and do all the same tricks I had seen an hour earlier on the Spiderman ride.

My friend decried my lack of sophistication about rides.

He called it "a game changer."

I said, "Yes, If you are playing the, 'don't give me a migraine' game."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
America is built on bigger and better.

Unfortunately, in the roller coaster and ride business, that also applies.

The quest to come up with new and interesting ways to make people want to upchuck is unending.

This ride was like 'Body Wars' on speed.

It was so violent to the internal equilibrium.

Just shaking, non-stop.

I felt like I had shaken baby syndrome, even though I'm already 351 months old.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry Potter really is a wizard.

He made my afternoon and feeling of well-being disappear.